I haven't been too dilligent in posting. Been rather busy with school and work. The stresss from work has definitely been carrying over to school, I have been struggling to pull a "B" in a class that I should have been able to sleep through and get an "A" -- all problems and minimal paper, instead of all papers and no problems. And that makes the cycle with the stress from not making the grade carrying over into work.

I just turned in my final, and while I may have missed a couple of points, I am done. Stress gone, and now I have one week to relax before the next class. Only three more to go in total! Then I only have the student loan bills to pay :( I am looking so forward to graduating and opening up new doors for opportunty -- Master's and CPA with a strong IT background. I really can't wait to leave this job behind. The company is good, but I am stuck under someone that will not be promoted higher, and also has no concept of managing -- makes my life at work miserable having to deal with someone that *always* has to be right and in his words, "I'll take what I want, from where I want, when I want." Translation -- I don't care about your opinion, or your efforts, if I think they need to be "trashed" then I will do so, without consulting you. My response, when the time comes will be a very short 2 week notice and the citing of the inability to work with the manager amicably -- after 18 months, I deserve some credit for putting up with his crap -- I've lasted longer than anyone else (which really says nothing, since I came in with the intention to work here until I graduated).

Well, things have not really changed...they have, but they haven't. My car is still in the shop, and it took a week for the estimate to come back for $5600. I have to cover $500 of it. Someone told me I should be thankful that I am still here to tell the story. I can see that. But that comes from their view of life and their perspective. Perhaps I am still in what ever stage of traumatic recovery I should be going through to get over the rejection of her, and then the accident; or perhaps, I am finally lookikng at my life and realizing that things are not how they should be and that where I wanted to be and how I wanted to be are just not there.

In less than 18 months, there will be a 20th High School reunion. I probably won't even go. I'll be seeing people that have been married, divorced, have children entering high school, a few graduating high school, and I am still single, never married, and I have no children. While I do not subscribe to a keeping up with the Jones' attitude, I would like to have kids out of college before I am eligible for Social Security.

I have been talking to a few people close to me; trying to work out if I have done anything wrong regarding her...no one says I did anything bad, and that the last email I sent her was "touching." There isnt' anything else I can say or do, and I have to move on. I did not want to end a relationship after 7 years, but I really had no choice since the feelings I had for her would hold me back if I kept seeing/talking to her and allowing them to remain on the surface -- rather than letting them fade into the distance so someone else can receive all my affection and attention.

...hmmm. Well, I arrived to work this morning and received an offline IM from her. She said she hadn't emailed me because she got in trouble for the pictures from the cruise I sent her. Now, the only thing that I have always strived for is to never hurt her in any way, and I can understand not emailing back after getting talked to about use of company resources for personal emails. Every company is different on its rules. But what about personal emails? I know she was most likely up watching WWE. I also know that she has a very busy life...but it doesn't take that much longer to send a personal email from home/yahoo/hotmail over an offline IM..not to mention that more can be sent in an email.

Now I understand why women hate men, and men hate women -- we both send, say and do stuff the other gender can't really comprehend and it is frustrating.

I am really unable to feel an emotion off this; not because I am still feeling love for her (I don't feel hate/dislike or other negative emotions toward her -- I would say that I still love her deep inside), but because I am having to deal with a boss that doesn't read emails, then comes back to me the next day asking me questions and coming at me like I am not doing my job right when I addressed his question the previous day via email -- and CC'd the senior executives who all responded with "ok, thanks. Keep us updated on your progress in addressing the issue." I so wanted to send an email, CC the senior people, and say, "I addressed this yesterday. You not reading your emails is doing 2 things. 1) it is adding stress to me because I have already answered your question and have to take time out of my day to answer it again and 2) makes you look unprofessional because you are not paying attention to issues that have been addressed and are asking for feedback that is unnecessary because the issue was addressed the previous day.

On the upside, stress is keeping me distracted from dealing with the fallout, which will make it easier, I hope as the initial shock and pain will have subsided and I will be able to look at things objectively rather than with emotion. I still would prefer to have less stress and deal with things so I can move on, but this is how things are, and since I can't really change them, I have have to have the patience to deal with them -- one thing at a time.

It has now been 2 days since I last got an email from her. I keep my gmail open because my gaming group fires off emails here and there, and my folks use that email address. Mostly, it was hers and my daily conversation medium. Now, that is gone.

Yes, I could email her, but I was the last one to send an email, and while not scathing or mean, it did make clear that I was very hurt emotionally and that "... I am having to deal with the fallout that has resulted from my inability to keep my emotions in check -- hearing from others that they saw what I felt and wanted only fueled the strength of my emotions -- but now everything has dimmed and nothing can evoke a strong emotion from me, good or bad." I knew she thought of me as a friend, and that is really where a relationship should start first, right? After all, over time, things change on the outside (they can change on the inside too), but if you are friends, and good friends, then you have something more in common than physical attraction.

I have rambled to the point of nearly forgetting the title's question -- is my missing her emails due to love or infatuation? How could I tell?

I know I said I would not post about my job, and I was doing my best, considering I had other things on my mind, it was fairly easy. However, I no longer have the benefit of that happy distraction, and now I am still dealing with the emotional pileup that has resulted. To cap that off, my boss calls me at home to tell me -- once again that I have made a mistake. Well, I am not the only one making mistakes (he hovers over me and micromanages so I am constantly trying to figure out if he did something on the task I am working on after I return from the soda machine or the restroom), and I am picking up his slack on other things.

Perhaps I should just let him deal with everything and stick to only what I have been assigned by him -- the problem is that no one else wants to deal with him, and they come to me. No one else in the company likes dealing with him, and I have to work with him all the time (no, I don't like him either). I had been planning to look for a new job to start the new year with (after I got my Christmas bonus to help with the time between last and first paychecks), but I am not sure I can last much longer. Stress is something that I do not need in my life, well, we all need a little stress -- I'm talking about getting things done on time, or having to deal with something small on an infrequent basis; me? well, I know my blood pressure goes up the minute I walk into work.

The only thing I think I can say when I leave is that I liked the company, but I am not able to work with someone that manages the way my boss does -- if you want to check my work, fine, do it when I am done; if you want to be part of the one man process, then do it yourself and let me work on other things. I make mistakes when people hover over/around me like vultures -- I know this because I make mistakes when I am distracted and nothing distracts me more than someone hovering around me. I like everyone in the company, except him, and I would be happy to keep working for the company, but not under him -- since there are no other positions available, I need to leave. I will wait for a job offer first.

I have contacted the CPA I used to work with and I am meeting him Monday to see if he has an opening or maybe knows someone else that could use help. I also have my best friend back home talking to his contacts to see if maybe someone back home has an opening, and I have my step-dad looking also. The biggest problem is that I am doing a career change from IT to Accounting, and I know I will have a cut in pay due to lack of experience. As long as I can meet my bills and have some spending cash I'll be ok. I think I need about $15/hour (I'd like $20/hr to start) but with my only experience in accounting being books, I can't expect that to start.

I'll pray on it and see where He leads me. I wasn't too thrilled with how things turned out after I prayed on the cruise, but sometimes the answer is "no", and sometimes the other person doesn't hear Him when the answer is a "yes" from Him. Well, life goes on, and I am off to work.

I wanted to post for those that may have been reading. Please forgive the typos as I wrote these posts on my Treo and the keys are damn small. I have gone back and edited them, but for anyone that read them, I apologize.

Things did not go as I wish and she has rejected any possibility of a more serious relationship.

Life is not fair and when I finally see the person that is making my life such Hell I am going to say thanks for making my life the roller-coaster ride that it has been - I've saved a fortune on trips to Six Flags. Of course I may need that savings for psychiatric help in the future, but that is an unknown, just as every day is.

I'll post something more once I have gone though the initial grieving process, which for me is in the apathetic stage.

I forgot that I told her I was meeting her in Atlanta. I had wanted it to be a surprise. Since she has a strong dislike for flying, I wanted to be with her when she was in the air. She still looks as beautiful as I remember, and her girls are just as beautiful.

She is in the seat next to me listening to inflight XM with her eyes closed -- we're just on a really fast bus. I don't have the window open since it makes her uncomfortable. At least I was able to see the sun rise from 35000 feet and view a peaceful Earth.I was a little jovial; I did not want to be serious so soon. I forget the exact context, but when she said she didn't lie, I asked her if she loved me. She said no. I asked her again, and she said as a friend, a good friend. I still plan on just puting everything on the table Saturday night, if things go well. I want to double check my feelings as well. I can't help from looking at her. I want to just burn her face into my memory -- it was already there, but my memory was fuzzy because she is more beautiful than I remember.

No matter the problems I have, I always get a peaceful feeling when I see the world from the window of a plane. I don't care what anyone else says, there had to be a higher power in making the world. Nothing so beautiful is a product of "random" evolution.

I think that the security precautions being taken are a bit excessive. When I travel, I have learned to keep the necessities with me -- razor, deodorant, toothpaste. Anything over 3 oz is verboten. That is a bit over the top. Either TSA knows what substances are dangerous or can test for what ever is supposed to be in the gels/liquids, or they can't and the precautions being taken are just a facade to make people think the risk of being a victim of terrorism. The world is such that your are at peace with yourself or you aren't. Admittedly, I have things I would still like to do, but we are never guaranteed tomorrow.

I do not have a church. I am a believer, but I don't do everything I should -- I curse, don't try and spread my faith, think things I shouldn't; as well as things that will just remain between God and myself.

I am on the first leg of my trip, and I will be meeting her in Atlanta for the second leg. I couldn't sleep last night, and when I finally was able to drift off, a very loud thunderstorm came through at 2am. Normally, I sleep through such things, but since I was scheduled to leave at 6:35am, I had concerns that I would be late departing. Traveling first class got me through check-in much faster than I am used to. This left me with 90 minutes to kill before boarding. I used the time to give some final responses to work emails and to let others know I was "going out of town for a long weekend."

I'll tell my folks exactly where I went when I get back -- they are not happy with the person I am going with since she was the one who broke off the serious/dating part of our relationship. I am holding off because I don't know how this trip will end, and I can mention she went along or leave that part out if things do not go as I would like.

Does there come a time when it becomes too late to change? Given a second chance would most people still repeat the same mistakes that have brought them to what ever point in their life they are? I look back at some of the things that have happened in my life and have tried to figure out why they happened -- did I make a bad decision? was I just caught in circumstance and permanently labeled? did I make the right decision and the results were less than I expected?

I have been struggling with several issues, some of which I have had for years...procrastination and being incurious are a couple of large problems. I also rarely attend church. Perhaps I have given up on the world as a whole since everything becomes commercialized and secular. Do we really reflect on Pearl Harbor Day? What about Veteran's Day? Sure, there are parades, but do people really stop and think about why we have a holiday for Veterans?

I guess most of my problems come from seeing every day that my life is not where I want it, and really seeing no way to get it where I want. I moved to find work, and that took me far away from the one thing, ok the on person, that I really wanted in my life. Depression, I guess that is what I would call it since I lack motivation, but any chance I get to talk to her I have a lot of energy and want to be active.

I will begin the time of discovery tomorrow. I am leaving to go on a cruise with her. Three days to give her a gift that no one else has -- something just for her. I can't say no strings attached, because I hope that what ever we used to have will be rekindled. I have never felt about anyone like I do her. I have felt love, and I still love the first one I ever really cared for, but looking back, what I feel for her is no where close to how I feel about tommorow's traveling companion. I am going into tomorrow feeling the best I have felt in weeks. Regardless of how things turn out, I will return from the islands with the knowledge of what I need to do and where I need to look for a new job -- if things go well, that means finding a job down south; if not, then anywhere.